I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Attacked by a mop.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants