my dad has had enough
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.