My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
it be like that
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
It be like that sometimes 😆
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.