“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’