I camp so other people don’t have to.
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Never forget.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain