“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Danger is very dangerous
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
choose your fighter
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man