wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”