News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
You Might Also Like
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
another case of gang violins
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don鈥檛 cut your own bangs.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn鈥檛)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I鈥檓 just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G鈥檔ight. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he鈥檚 going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong