My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.