I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
A short story about romance.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.