whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.