I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
The funk soul brother
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My biological clock is wheezing.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
me: my friends:
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?