It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Oh my God.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*watches the world burn*
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.