[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.