My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My favorite farside!!
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.