If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
when mom throws a party…
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore