[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to