GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?