If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
smh
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
they finally got him. they got macavity
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.