7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that