My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Stop sending me this shit.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
This is me 🤣🤣
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
new career option?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.