[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.