Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.