*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass