if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Awesome parenting 😂
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
You better watch out
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?