[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
uh oh
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”