checking out some reviews of my local library
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
this has to be peak English
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.