Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.