HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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bad news gang
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I don’t know what to do
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My sex drive has a dui
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.