Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
#titanic
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat