I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists