Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.