we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.