A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Imma just leave this here…………
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.