I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
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Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.