Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter