me working on my assignments ^-^
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Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.