Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
don’t we all
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.