*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
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I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*