My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Hit me in the face with a bird
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please