The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow