Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Dishonest mechanic?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.