A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
You Might Also Like
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
There is no “we” in chocolate.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…