If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]