I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Carpe DM
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell