If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.