I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Who knew!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here