My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Rambo Rambow
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m literally crying