Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.