Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.